Playing Marie Antoinette.

Don't get me wrong, games are fun! As long as they both know they're playing!
People say it's better to wait for the guy you like to look for you. To wait for him to call you. And when he does, start playing games and be unavailable when he wants to see you.

I find that imposible AND ridiculous. Therefore, many relationships ended before they even started. If I like someone, I want to talk to them, I want to see them, I want to be available to spend time with them and I will cancel other plans just to spend a few great moments with that person. If I don;t like someone, well, I'm busy.

When I like someone, sooner or later, they'll stop looking for me, and when I don't like someone, they'll be looking for me all the time.

I know, it sounds horrible, but you can't force yourself to like someone, to get excited about them, to be atracted to them. It's just there. Or not.

In general, the people we want are running around trying to get someone who probably doesn't want them and they have no idea you're the one wanting them or that there's someone else running around trying to get you.

It's a vicious circle.
We apply rules we learn from friends, we don't call or email just to test the other person, see if they'll say something or ask if we're ok... As if everything has to be complicated, hard, challenging and painfull, As if you're getting ready for war, not for a date. WTF!?
I get it! It's exciting and motivating when you have to work hard to get something and once you get there you feel good about youself, but when the things are actually simple, and they just happen, who/what are you going to fight???

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This is something I wrote 3, 4 years ago.

"I don’t think about it. I’m not there.

It was like the past years were suddenly compressed. Like seeing an old film, and I remembered only meaningless fragments. I’ve heard it. My worst nightmare was now in front of me.

I don’t want to think about it. I’m not there.

Finally I decided to go. Leaving was the last drop. But nothing was more inappropriate than me leaving. Undoubtedly I had to go, and I knew exactly why. I don’t want to think about it. I just couldn’t accept it. 

Death passed several times through my life, devastating, but this time just the possibility made me go crazy. How you deal with such a…thing?I’m a plane ride away and I still can’t find a way to deal with it. I thought if I don’t say it out loud, it won’t be real, I won’t be scared. I get drunk and stupid. I don’t think about it. I’m not there.

I'm gonna be like you, dad! You know I'm gonna be like you! "


______________________________________

Before the internet, people used to write diaries, now they write blogs. Blogs that are so public that you're scared to even write something real and if you have the guts to do so you have to be prepared for some aggressive criticism on what you feel.

People also write on facebook.

So do I. I gathered all the important events in my life in pictures that I added on facebook or in texts that I added on my blog. So they don't get lost. My old laptop is broken and everything I had on it is now gone. Pictures, texts, music, everything. Now I'm scared the internet is going to disappear and I'm gonna lose all my memories like my laptop did.

Cx.

You Know My Name

 The truth is that since I moved to London I stopped doing anything without the certainty of a safety net. I don't know, any safety net.. knowing that someone loves me, that they will look after me, letting me know when something dangerous comes towards me or at least be there when and if I fall. Anyone, my mum, my dad, my sister, M.
No matter how many times I've collapsed under the weight of my own thoughts, I  found someone there to teach me how to pick myself up, to show me how to fix myself if I was broken, to help me walk again with confidence; someone to wake me up, a word to comfort me, a story to bring me to life...
I had to lose that safety net and I'm probably still moving funny, but I'm moving. Along with all the fear I gathered in my short life and the assumption that I was ready to walk by myself through the quicksand jungle. (I can hear Mr. Rose singing in my head right now.)

I always tell you you're gonna get there! I always tell you I'm gonna be there for you. And I will.

Now I write thinking about the past, afraid of waking up in a future I can't change, but extremely calm and detached. I don't know if I should just sit on the sofa and cry my heart out or laugh till my stomach hurts, because at this point life looks like an old movie I'm forced to watch.

There are some dreams and nice memories tho.
No, not the kind you tell all your grandchildren over dinner when you're 70, but the kind you only tell your favorite grandson with a smile and a tear fighting to take over your eyes.

I don't know if I forget, or if I'm mistaking forever with never, I don't know if it's good or bad, or if it's ever gonna happen again or if my life is just gonna go on like this, but I know that right now, I'm craving that heat nearly as much as I'm trying to get away from it.

People move on, and I did the same. I kept the smoke as a reminder that not so long ago, I was fire.


Cx.

I'm not anyone, I'm me.

Social Behaviour also know as CHAOS.
We feel the need to label situations that shouldn't even be defined.
We take decisions based on pretty much nothing but out own personal opinion, we gain and lose interest in anything in a matter of seconds and we go where the wind blows.
We uselessly love drama, we start games and never get to the end and we have no patience.
We forget to say thank you or please, we forget to be kind and we use other people while we can.
Commitment scares us, but we don't want to be alone either.
We want everything at once or we don't want anything at all and we're disappointed when someone hurts us (even knowing we probably did the same thing to someone just days before.).
We like something, but we don't really like it at the same time.
We miss someone, but we won't tell anyone.
We're never brave enough for love.
We are available but always trying to look as unavailable as possible and we keep saying it's just part of the game.
We clearly know what we want, but we insist on building the Great Wall of China between ourselves and our dreams.
We laugh instead of telling the truth, we love the first kiss but we get bored before that second one.
We flirt, we calculate how many messages we should send, how many times we should call and we're busy instead of saying "no".
We don't get the time to have great expectations because there's always someone else waiting. Next, moving on, next, moving on - and this is pretty much how life goes after high school and that first love.

Cx.

I'm no better than the ones before me.

I am a child.
I don't always trust myself as much as I should and sometimes I feel the need to justify my actions.

I have moments when I'm happy about the smallest things: like a sunny day, or hot chocolate. I care alot about a few people and I will do anything for them.

I am spoiled, judgemental sometimes and even impulsive some other times, but diplomacy, subtlety and tact are there when needed.

I feel comfortable and safe with the people who are close to my heart.

I may seem cold and insensitive sometimes. When I don't feel anymore I become what I hate the most - someone who doesn't give a damn about anything. After a while I realize what I did, I feel bad about it and spend alot of time trying to make up for it.

I don't hold grudges, I'm a sarcastic bitch and 90% of the time I say what I think. I can't lie to save my life.

I love animals.
My favorite thing to do is look out the window and listen to music while someone else's driving or when I'm on the bus, train etc. Without talking.

I have moments when I feel so alone it seems tomorrow will never come. These moments make me wanna live some movie scene where the guy I love just shows up with a cake. Cheesy as fucK, I know. In  fact, you're gonna find me dreaming with my eyes open more often than you think, BUT I always know is just that: dreaming. In my personal life things don't happen how I imagine or I want them to happen. When it comes to work I'm different.

I don't have any big regrets, but I do have some regrets. I fall on my face everytime when I don't follow my instincts and I hate myself when it happens.

There are days when I feel ugly and I don't even wanna look in the mirror.

I can be open and completely unrestained.
I can be emotionally detached or give someone that feeling, but deep inside I'm just a girl. And what every girl wants is for that guy she adores to love her just as much. And I hate the fact that saying you want it is somehow embarrassing.

I hate my mom's favorite expression "there are plenty of fish in the sea" just as much as I hate all the "everything's gonna be fine" cliches. I prefer brutal honesty to sweet lies.

I'm running out of patience and I don't like malicious people. I'm an optimistic despite everything you read on my blog.

I don't take failure very well. At all. I have a problem and I know. It's the only way I can move on. I pretend it never happened.

Sometimes, I get angry. So angry I could easily fight and kill Bowser! I calm down quickly.

I am sensitive and emotional but I learned to live by what my brain says... Sometimes. And all the other times I act like I don't know or understand anything.

I don't like people who are arrogant and superficial, but I'll still try and see if they have a good side to them.

I'm a good listener and I can't sleep if I had an argument with a friend.

I think I'm a good person, deep inside.

Sometimes I'm loud and annoying. Curious and that's why I ask a billion questions. I analyze and question EVERYTHING that seems to me too easy and simple.

There were moments when I liked being down, I liked that I had time to be depressed only so I can get back up again.

I have no respect for hypocrisy and I'll never stick around for long if I get the hint of it.

Cx.

Fail and Do You Ever Feel Like Falling In Love?

I had a good week.
And I read this brilliant book called "He's just not that into you" and girls, I can tell you this: you'll find all your answers in this book.

I met Weeza for dinner on Saturday night. It was like seeing my sister. I did not realize how much I missed her. I spent the rest of the night out with some very good friends, danced all night with my favorite human (hahaha) and woke up to the perfect morning after (no headache!!!) only to have proper breakdown when I got to the office.

Managed to think as well, so there you go:

FAIL 

'Fail' is the moment X when you realize that the things happening in your own personal reality have literally NOTHING to do with what's happening in the 'real' reality.
I have this exquisite talent of putting myself in some really funny situations where the Cristina I know and love seems to be sitting next to me, watching and laughing at this other Cristina who's so far from everything I think I am.
I don't know if it's because I'm so shy sometimes or because I find it hard to talk about how and what I feel, but somewhere inside the two hemispheres of my brain, I imagine myself banging my head against a brick wall.
It only happens while talking to a few people. Usually the ones who only listen to themselves and they don't give a damn about someone else's opinion. Actually, they don't give a damn about someone else.

I keep opening my mouth to talk when it's already too late.
My free spirit and my actions before the moment X don't really go with the "take people how they are" idea => FAIL.

I'll just stop giving a f**k.

Yes! That's all I had to say!

Cx
02/09/12

Do you ever feel like falling in love?

"Yes" will always be the first answer that comes to everyone's mind, I'm sure.
Because being in love is actually really nice, till it goes wrong.
I don't usually trust men with my heart like that tho.
I don't.
For example, at the moment, there's one man in my life that I trust with everything, and that's because before ANYTHING else, he's my friend. And what a friend!

BUT

I still believe in that fairy tale love where people stay together and live happily ever after.
I think you shouldn't stop looking for love till those butterflies fly out of your stomach and into your veins.

I don't believe there should be any i don't know-s, we'll see-s, maybe-s when it comes to love. I believe that everything will work out if you FEEL. If there's chemistry, attraction, desire, passion and whatever else you want, it will work out.
If you don't feel, that's it, stop looking for something that's not there and move on. If the start of a love story is not easy and simple, well, you just don't like each other enough.
Too many of us end up tired and alone after fighting for something that was impossible from the very beggining. Save your heart from that.

We do live some very confusing times. We run away from lables and then we want to be in a relationship, but then we panic when the relationship is about to get serious. Pfff, that's all me, I know.

I keep getting the feeling that we can't really enjoy the time spent with someone because we're too scared that everything we do is gonna show them how much we like them... or how much we don't like them.... "what if he thinks that and what if he knows i feel this and what if, what if, what if" that's usually how it goes.

I'm an expert in digging for gold where there's none, and as you can imagine, nothing good can come out of that. So again, stop doing that to your heart!

You're not gonna die alone, don't worry!
Keep moving.

Cx
04/09/12

Lets

- eat green apples
- live in a comedy
- misbehave ?
- invent our own language as we all did when we were kids
- adopt a fly
- eat chocolate donuts under a tree
- paint our fingernails in red and green
- have a party even if we're not in the mood
- meet up and eat cake.

This sounds like the beggining of a movie that the critics would hate.


Cx.

Writing about writers?

Do you know what I need? 

Someone who's annoyingly passionate about whatever they're doing.

Street lights. Two months into the summer and there's me going to the shop in the middle of the night. 

I realized I don't need anything more than this virtual sheet I'm writing on. 

I looked around and wondered how many of these people in asda were happy. How many were planning to be happy tomorrow? 

No! I'm gonna stop thinking. I'm not gonna make plans and I'm not gonna hope. 

I was happy at a time when I was the most depressed person in the world. I was angry and I was crying, I was scared and I was constantly lying to myself just so I can convince everyone else that I was fine. I'm done with that. I deserve more.

(Oh man, walking around and writing a blog at the same time can cause accidents. I think I broke my toes.)

Back to the amazing writers I love.

I can just turn around and become Alexei and talk about my brothers suffering with so much calm, I even scare myself. 

Alexei and Dimitri are sitting at that round table with the prince and Nastasia Filipovna. She has black eyes and a sad smile on her lips. They recognize each other.

Oh, Dostoyevsky is incredible. 

Why am I not living my life the way I live these books?!

There's this man I know.

And I  listen to him everyday and everyday I find something new going on in those songs. The meaning changes everyday till I find myself face to face with the "oh - what did you mean by that?" question. 

Cx.