Elegantly Tasted

Back to "if you're going thru hell - keep going"... It's easy and weird at the same time to actually stop going. They keep telling you that the pain is gonna go away in time. What if you can't get rid of all those feelings and thoughts... what if your words have no power to keep you going? You're trying, but you just can't get out of it and it looks like you just don't want to... why?

Someone asked me today why some people live with the idea that they don't mean anything for anyone. Because they don't know any different. That was my answer. It shocked me as well. Why did I say that? I'm sure someone gives a damn about me, and I'm sure someone needed me at some point. So why did I say that??
Later in the day I was sitting at my desk still thinking about my answer... Maybe some parts of it are true, and I did something to "introduce" myself as someone you don't care about.

WRONG!

It's been haunting me for years and everytime when it comes back to me, I keep thinking I'll find a different answer.
I don't even realise what's happening with me every year before my birthday but I just find myself incredibly scared. So scared I end up spending my birthday in bed with my phone off. I'm so fucked up. I wish I could sleep from now to the 29th.
And I wish I wasn't crying so much these days...
I'm so freaking emotional, I have to leave the office everytime when someone pisses me off, just in case I'll start crying again. Exhausted.

I'm scared of something that can't even happen anymore. He doesn't have the power to hurt me in any way now. But I keep waiting to be turned into pieces. I'm waiting for it every year, around this time. I'm so fucked up...

But now I know:

- Unequal love leads to its funeral.
- And people should not try to get back with me.
- If you scream loud enough you're gonna end up drowning in music.
- Swearing sounds sweeter in French.
- When your heart is crying, you'd better start laughing. It's healthier.
- Fair is a questionable matter.
- Panic attacks only go away with alcohol.
- I should read less.
- We never count how many hearts we break.
- If you do not know how it will end, no worries, you'll find out soon enough.

I'm so fucked up and the fact that I exist can easily prove that this world makes no fuckin' sense!