I remember the day I met him.
I opened my eyes slowly that morning, being completely irritated by the sun and angry with my curtains. Don't know what I was thinking when I went for that undecided pattern. I stayed in bed for a while counting the weird drawings on my curtains, just like I used to do when I was little and I couldn't sleep or I was bored.
Then I got out of bed and tried to write something. This was like a rule for me, since I was completely blocked at the time, I was giving it a try every morning when I wasn't at the office. It didn't work so I decided to eat something, and find something to do with my day. Nothing out of that was telling me that anything special will happen so I was even planing to go to the office and do some work instead of waste my time counting the monsters in my head.
Some texts, a shopping trip to Bluewater and a new hair later, I was on my way to the office and somehow I ended up in front of him and I was nervous. ME - NERVOUS. Anyone who knows me would tell you that me and nervous don't go in the same sentence, ever. And there I was with that jumpy, sort of sick feeling in my stomach staring at this amazing man. He thought I was pissed. My blood was rushing from everywhere to everywhere and my brain was telling me to get a vodka lemonade before I make a fool of myself. I couldn't understand. I spent months talking to him and I didn't get that feeling even once. I saw him a week before this and I was fine that time as well. I couldn't understand. All I knew was that... Who am I kidding?! I didn't know anything. And to be honest, the last time I felt like that I was 16 so I had no idea what I was supposed to do now.... So I did what I do best! Got drunk and did nothing! As always, my defence mechanism kicked in right on time and I was being myself again. But then I've lost it again and for some weird reason I kissed him. There were 500 voices in my head screaming what the hell are you doing??? but I couldn't care less, I had his arms around me and to me just felt right.
I went to sleep smiling but I knew that's gonna go away soon. And it did. And I knew it's never gonna happen. And it never happened.
Like any other thing that you don't get to know well enough, over that night's memorie, I tried to put other memories that came to life out of our phone conversations, emails, anything, just to cover it up so that wouldn't be the first thing that comes into my mind when I think of him. It worked, for a while. But then I saw him again and again there was nothing else to see than the great person he is, and the way can just be myself with him, cause he doesn't think I'm weird. And again I knew it's never gonna happen an yet I was there, trying to make his life good, and to just make him smile, cause I love to see him smiling. You can see it in his eyes. Like in that picture. The one I told him I love.
I AM A MASOCHIST. No doubt. :-)
I saw a video of him singing earlier this week.
I was amazed by the way his features change when he sings. It's like they're drawing a new face. An angry one. Somewhere behind the warm smile and the kind eyes that make him so handsome, is this new face, this new person who's always looking for a new enemy without knowing what to do if he'd really found one. He's too good to hurt anyone in anyway you can think of.
So what am I doing now, you asked. I'm writing while I can.
The "giving ups", the regrets and the wounds will stay on my face, just like they did before, betraying my reasons and the fact that I'll be thinking of him as the most real person I know.
And I'll get another wrinkle, drawn by a wisely assumed regret. Like a scar. A scar that changes your whole body and eventually finds him a place somewhere between safety and waiting. Waiting for something that will never come, but you know it as yours.
And...
And I'll have the face of someone who defeated herself just so she can keep the best posible memorie.
Cx
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