Talking to myself - part 1

This morning on my way to the office:
I'm very calm and I don't care anymore - and already got used to it. My new identity. The woman who doesn't expect anything from anyone, who doesn't care what they think anymore. The girl who went back to fighting everything on her own.
- Something tells me: "maybe you're actually happy...". It didn't make me jump like it usually does, so I just pushed the idea out of my head.
- After 3 months of depression I think even happiness looks like a cold January day.
- I like the sky today. I like everything about this day. But that doesn't mean I'm happy.
- I can't be happy when I have nothing to look forward to. Without the people I love who are too far away or unavailable. I can't be happy when people keep leaving me....
- and if they stay? Would I be able to keep my freedom? I can't help but think of what I told myself at the end of every relationship I had...
"- its so good to be myself again, and be free...." - that's what I used to tell myself.
See?!
What about all the other feelings!? Anger, disappointment, pain??? Are they part of that happiness as well?
- No, that's just a sign you still can't accept your destiny.

Cx?