Where am I?

After a few posts about how I felt in the past, or how I'm gonna feel in the future, I felt the need to stop and have a look at the present, since it's right now and right here. :-) Where am I now tho? I gotta admit, this question is like... my guilty pleasure. It's like I love to stop and look around, everywhere, convinced that there's something amazing waiting to be found.
And then I start walking again, slowly. What else can I do? Who cares? Does it matter? I'm surprised! I kept telling my self "it doesn't matter". And now it really doesn't matter. Huge progress for someone who used to think that everything around her was very important and necessary. But is this better? I don't wanna fall in the opposite extreme either...
I am aware of how everything becomes irrelevant... and now I'm 23 I think I've done a lot out of everything (I considered) I had to do. I learned, I grew up, I showed off, I tried, I gave up, I failed, I won, I cried in at least 5 different ways, I hoped, I gave up again, I got excited and then disappointed, I made ​​peace with the things that gave me panic attacks, I learned againg (some new things about myself) and the most important thing I did was to move on. From what?, you asked. From myself, I guess.
My efforts to reach him appear far too expensive now, compared with the result. So I gave up on that as well. I realised life's a lot easier when the other one comes to you, and you don't have to do everything in your power to get to him and make him like you. Even knowing those moments, when I got to him, were more amazing than the ones I spend alone, at home, reading Dostoievski (and I used to think there's nothing better than that!).
My expectations are also a little lower now. I finally understood that nobody looks after me, but myself, so I no longer hope that someone will show up and just get me out of my depression, take all my dreams and make them come true.
I know you think I am pessimistic, negative and all alone.
Yes, I've heard how much you like happy people. I wonder why... And what makes you think they're happy. I can fake that pretty well and you wouldn't know for a second. Even better now that I know I can only open myself to certain people... But it's a lot easier if I don't fake anything.
So calm and peaceful....

Cx.