“Man is a mystery. It needs to be unravelled, and if you spend your whole life unravelling it, don't say that you've wasted time. I am studying that mystery because I want to be a human being.” (Dostoievski)
I literally spent years reading him and trying to undestand his books. I was 15 when I fell in love with "Crime and Punishment". Now I'm going back to him as someone who knows better than the 15 year old who spent alot of time with him in mind and his books in her bag.
Love.
Let me tell you something, my darling, when it comes to it, we're all just as silly and ridiculous in front of the one we love.
All the books we read disappear and so do all the rings and bracelets we use to show off our success. We end up being so simple and dumb in front of that person.
I think sometimes we're too human and too down to earth to feel the love the way we're supposed to.
I think sometimes we don't find ourselves good enough for that person. And then we give up, out of love.
I'm allowed to love, I'm not allowed to think I own someone just because I love them.
I'm allowed to love, I'm not allowed to try to control someone who loves me.
I'm allowed to love, I'm not allowed to ask to be loved back.
I'm allowed to love, I'm not allowed to use that against you.
I can only love. And if I love, can anything stop me? The break up? The distance? The silence? His hostility? My disappointment? Me not being normal? My face in the mirror? The look on my face? The empty soul and the body that's longing for that warm embrace? The anger? The pain of letting go? The hours I spend feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for the failure? No, I don't think so. I'm allowed to love despite all this. To really love, as much as I can, laughing or crying, no matter what.
You know you love them, when even after they've left you in tears, you feel lucky for meeting them in the first place.
Cx.
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