Still Alive.

I don't go to church and for a long time I forgot what a confession is. Worse, I used to know lying and faking and everything to do with hiding myself from everything and everyone.
Someone once told me to keep my secrets to myself cause if you tell someone, they're going to use them against you.
And then I started a new life. Years ago in December. I started living a nice love story, that's what it looked like at the time, and I was always trying to prove how brave I was and how much I loved.
I was going to find out a few years later, that I was brave, but in a different way.

When I finally started to open up and talk about myself, I found out that every word you say counts. There were sentences coming back to me in a different shade than what I knew before and that surprised me.
And then I started hating myself for it. Months, actually, years in a row my heart was a bleeding wound. I was dying for it to go away. I was exhausted. It's easier to hide an old scar than fresh blood. But this time I couldn't lie to anyone anymore. I was so hurt, I wasn't myself anymore.
I still wonder why I did it. Why in the world I was so blind and how come I'm still alive???? That was the pain - pain! The one that makes you wish you were hit by a car. But that never happened. And I had to live with it. And paint a smile on my face and work on it everyday. I've got 7 locks on my heart and I'm still trying to find a way to confess how angry I get everytime he speaks to me! Cause I could never hurt him, really. I'm not like that.
But maybe there's only one way to go around it.



Cx.