Monday, September 24, 2012

Playing Marie Antoinette.

Don't get me wrong, games are fun! As long as they both know they're playing!
People say it's better to wait for the guy you like to look for you. To wait for him to call you. And when he does, start playing games and be unavailable when he wants to see you.

I find that imposible AND ridiculous. Therefore, many relationships ended before they even started. If I like someone, I want to talk to them, I want to see them, I want to be available to spend time with them and I will cancel other plans just to spend a few great moments with that person. If I don;t like someone, well, I'm busy.

When I like someone, sooner or later, they'll stop looking for me, and when I don't like someone, they'll be looking for me all the time.

I know, it sounds horrible, but you can't force yourself to like someone, to get excited about them, to be atracted to them. It's just there. Or not.

In general, the people we want are running around trying to get someone who probably doesn't want them and they have no idea you're the one wanting them or that there's someone else running around trying to get you.

It's a vicious circle.
We apply rules we learn from friends, we don't call or email just to test the other person, see if they'll say something or ask if we're ok... As if everything has to be complicated, hard, challenging and painfull, As if you're getting ready for war, not for a date. WTF!?
I get it! It's exciting and motivating when you have to work hard to get something and once you get there you feel good about youself, but when the things are actually simple, and they just happen, who/what are you going to fight???


This is something I wrote 3, 4 years ago.

"I don’t think about it. I’m not there.

It was like the past years were suddenly compressed. Like seeing an old film, and I remembered only meaningless fragments. I’ve heard it. My worst nightmare was now in front of me.
I don’t want to think about it. I’m not there.

Finally I decided to go. Leaving was the last drop. But nothing was more inappropriate than me leaving. Undoubtedly I had to go, and I knew exactly why. I don’t want to think about it. I just couldn’t accept it. 

Death passed several times through my life, devastating, but this time just the possibility made me go crazy. How you deal with such a…thing?
I’m a plane ride away and I still can’t find a way to deal with it. I thought if I don’t say it out loud, it won’t be real, I won’t be scared. I get drunk and stupid. I don’t think about it. I’m not there.

I'm gonna be like you, dad! You know I'm gonna be like you! "


Before the internet, people used to write diaries, now they write blogs. Blogs that are so public that you're scared to even write something real and if you have the guts to do so you have to be prepared for some aggressive criticism on what you feel.

People also write on facebook.

So do I. I gathered all the important events in my life in pictures that I added on facebook or in texts that I added on my blog. So they don't get lost. My old laptop is broken and everything I had on it is now gone. Pictures, texts, music, everything. Now I'm scared the internet is going to disappear and I'm gonna lose all my memories like my laptop did.


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