Wednesday, August 08, 2012
If you're going thru hell - KEEP GOING!
My social life's been a mess for months now, but that doesn't mean I didn't have to find an answer for the most common way of saying hello: "How are you?". I gotta say, I do find that question more confusing than usual and my brain blocked any clear and easy answer and I realized there's nothing to talk about anymore when it comes to me. What happened and how am I???
Im not singing anymore, I don't read as much, I'm not working harder than normal and I'm not doing anything special. Would anyone understand that? I have nothing to talk about, I'm staring at the person I'm talking to and I come to the conclusion that I can't find anything more important than my attempt to get out of the coma I've been trapped in for more than 8 years...
But what would anyone think if I'd tell them I'm in a place they don't even know about?
I'm dealing with my categorical refusal to go back to hopes and dreams and with the "i can't get you" look that's stuck on everyone's face when it comes to me. I'm a weirdo for most of them and lets face it, i never really tried hard enough to explain myself.
So, how am I? I feel that, from your point of view, I'm not doing anything. What happens to me is completely bizzare; I could just say I'm wasting time so I don't have to think, that I'm wasting time so I don't have to do anything, that I'm wasting time so I can be far away from everything, without knowing if I'm ever coming back and how. But that's not clear enough, so I go for stupid answers: Nothing special. Isn't it ironic??
I'm surprised how many people around me don't manage to see the difference between the fake smile and the smile-smile. Don't ask me to be in a good mood as if I could actually do that in seconds. You only want me to be in a good mood so your mood can be good as well. What I want is to actually be in a good mood, something that's coming from inside, takes alot of time to get there but it's much better than that fake smile I keep showing you. Oh, I see! What's hard to understand is the fact that anyone would go thru alot of pain without crying and be actually fine with it? Wouldn't be wrong to give up on something or on someone just because it hurts?? Healthy? Yeah, maybe, but be serious! Can you just keep on living knowing you didn't actually try every possible way to get where you wanted? Or to make someone happy? ...because it hurts. I know it hurts and yet I'M RIGHT HERE.
Maybe I think too much... For sure, compared to other people. Not enough, compared to everything those people ask for me. Sometimes it feels like I'm in the middle of a lake, it's raining and someone from a boat shouts at me: "You're panicking too much!!!" while I'm trying to grab someone elses hand and save myself. And everyone knows I can't swim!
I think I'll go with Churchill on this one.