"Surely. This too, I have learned from the river: everything is coming back! You too, will come back."
Vasudeva to Siddhartha.
I've started reading Hesse's indian poem Siddhartha again...
This time around, I'm going thru some great inner changes and I'm finding an echo, some kind of truth and alot of peace among the stories that years ago seemed to me so far from this world...
Finding a way and a tiny little hope used to heat me up alot more than they do at the moment...
There was something that made me jump, because it goes so well with everything that's been happening in my life in the last 3 months...
When do people come back!?
I used to say that people don't stay in my life.
My relationships end (helped, of course, by my "wise" decisions), there's no one who really wants to stay or come back into my life, someone to tell me "stop" when I want to go.
People leave my life as if the change wouldn't affect them at all.
And then, within 2-3 weeks, people just started showing up.
Without me saying a word, asking for it or expecting it at all.
Why now!? Why right now!? Right now when I'm ready to tell each one of them how I feel?
"I cared about you!", "You moved me!", "You made my life better!", "I loved you!" or "I don't care anymore!", "I don't want to ruin your life!", "You don't have to love me again."
When was Siddhartha reunited with his childhood friend, Govinda?
When does he see the river again?
When does he meet Vasudeva again? This time he really knows him...
When the strenght's gone, when his ego's bruised, when he doesn't kill himself, when he sleeps... only to wake up full of love.
His beautiful courtesan once told him "and yet you do not love me, you love nobody. Isn't it so?"
Waking up like this made him realise he did love all of them.
He had to have those dirty experiences, to be arrogant and to hate himself, then give them all up to find the love he had for those who changed his life and feel it.
Love is the first one to return... Then people. Pushing it the other way around won't get us anywhere.