Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I'm still as forgiving as that wall you punch when you're angry.

“And, when you can't go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward.”   P.C.

3 years ago... I still don't know why that morning was different and I still find waiting a waste of time.

"I woke up.
Everything was in the same place; the furniture, the books, my clothes, everything.
I wasn't.
I passed quickly through my memories knowing exactly which levers to pull to bring them in
front of my eyes. One year, two, three, and then deeper into time to the first memory, the
one on the beach. A long time they convinced me that it's not a memory, that perhaps someone
told me the story...but i know nobody in the family dares to tell me how they left me on
the beach in a summer after-noon. I keep the memory of the sand, the light playing over
water, the smell of shellfish and algae. I pushed the memories back.
I walked in the bathroom with the illusion that a shower will wash everything away, but nothing!
I had a coffee, smoked the morning cigarette...three of them, and i got dressed. I
checked my diary. Day off. I couldn't stay in.
I was walking with the feeling I'm gonna have to walk another 20 years, 6 months and 23 days to find out why this morning was so different.
I couldn't wait. In line, by the phone, for a letter, for the bus, waiting seems so unnecessary."

 When I was writing this I was so angry with everything, with life, with the people around me, just thinking about it makes me sick. 

My friends, these really amazing people I love, somehow managed to move the Cristina I was trying to kill 3 years ago. I didn't realise how much I needed that and how much I hate it at the same time. This Cristina gets hurt, but she's the strongest girl I know and there's nothing she wouldn't do for the people she loves. Sometimes she loves the wrong people tho. :-S

I'm gonna change my life, I will!


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